On Gentle Parenting
It’s safe to say my gentle parenting era has officially ended. Before I lose you completely let me tell you the things that I will never be OK with as a parent or teacher. Degrading, disrespecting, or retaliating on any age of child is something I cannot abide. Abuse is abuse and believe me when I say I know the difference between a stern raised voice and unhinged screaming. I do think there are so many misconceptions about the fundamentals of gentle parenting, and there is a lot that it gets right. For instance toddlers under five in particular are experiencing emotions in extreme and have absolutely no skills to handle them. I have so much empathy for big feelings in little bodies, truly I do. But I see in my school and out in the world every day people missing the most important step in teaching their small children about these big feelings:
How to move through them and get to the other side.
Step 1: Set the Boundary
If you aren’t very firm and clear about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior during these big emotions you are setting your child and everyone they come into contact with up for failure. If you haven’t, I think it’s high time you found your “mom voice”. 90% of the time keeping your tone calm and your demeanor gentle with toddlers is actually a hugely important factor in this step. Overusing the mom voice will backfire because your child will never know when it’s legitimate. It’s just as ineffective as not using it at all. As a parent you need to know your non-negotiables. If you don’t have any behaviors you deem unacceptable during the inevitable moments your child loses control of themselves I’m just going to say it: You are a huge part of the problem. There has been a culture shift around toddler behavior that needs to change. Can we be empathetic to their plight? Of course we can. Does that mean we accept being hit, kicked, screamed at, or otherwise degraded from another human being just because they’re three? Hell no. You teach people of all ages how to treat you. If you allow your toddler to treat you, the most revered person in their life, lower than garbage because they got the red plate instead of the pink one you are essentially telling them that their anger is an excuse to abuse you and others. Is it possible that as a society we are over correcting to avoid abusing or traumatizing our children? Is it possible we are actually raising future abusers in this over correction? We need to come back to center. One part of gentle parenting that I will always agree with is being a safe place for your children to make mistakes. But mistakes have consequences regardless of what emotion led to them. That’s how the world works and kids that don’t understand that turn into adults with no sense of accountability. They’re the adults that blame everyone else for their problems, and use their emotions as an excuse to abuse everyone around them. Yes, they’re little. No, they don’t have the tools they need to deal with these emptions. They never will if you allow them to escalate consequence free over and over again. Set the boundary first firmly and loudly if needed, then deescalate and teach the coping skill.
Step 2: De-escalating and Coping Mechanisms
I watched a video from a mom vlogger and behaviorist that made me unreasonably mad. She didn’t do or demonstrate anything wrong, she was de-escalating her toddler by cuddling and rocking them during a tantrum. I’m sure it works great for her. Here’s what made me mad: That’s not going to work on most kids that age. I’m extremely physically affectionate. With my daughter I smother her in kisses and hold her whenever she wants within reason. I’m always asking for hugs (nicely and accepting the “nos”!). With my students I never turn down a hug when it’s asked for and I will snuggle the hell of out a sad kid when they miss their parents, are hurt, or are disappointed with an outcome. But when a child legitimately loses control, is lashing out, is screaming or hitting, and you try to pick that kid up to physically rock them like a baby you’re liable to throw out your back from the thrashing or worse get a swift kick. You ever have your significant other try to hug you after they’ve royally pissed you off and your still cooling down? Did you feel especially cuddly? Maybe you did, but I’d put money that most people would shrug them off and stare laser beams into their soul. Her point, and the point of most of her videos, is valid. You can’t have the teaching moment till the kid’s done freaking out. I get that. But to set the expectation that you can just snuggle most children’s furious tantrum into submission is just unrealistic. It sets the majority of parents up for heartbreak, injury, or both. De-escalation looks different for every kid, and honestly it takes so much experimentation before you find what works for you. By the way, what works for one parent might not work for the another. My husband could probably snuggle my daughter’s tantrum into submission, but if I so much as touched her in that state I’m liable to get my ass kicked. Books, songs, and distractions work so much better for me. Find what works for you, try weird stuff. There’s nothing wrong with using humor to avoid tantrums completely. If you can use humor or playfulness to redirect before things escalate, that’s best case scenario. Don’t expect everything to work every time and don’t be afraid to get creative with your tactics. Some kids might need to be left alone for a little bit to learn how to self soothe as torturous as it is for us as parents to watch them struggle. I swore to the heavens I would never let my child “cry it out”. I ate my words so hard when I realized she did much better soothing herself than anything I tried in those moments. Even adults need to be left alone to process their feelings. It’s ok to walk away for a few minutes if they aren’t in danger. It’s ok to put them in a safe place with some soothing objects like stuffies or books and give them ten minutes. I’m no opponent of giving your child TV time by any means, but if they’ve escalated beyond reason it is absolutely time to keep the TV off. Using a screen to calm a child not only rewards the behavior but cripples their ability to deal with their emotions on their own. If you want to throw on a show after the storm has passed, your child is calm, and you’ve had you’re teaching moment… all the better! Its a great excuse to cuddle and reconnect. But for the love of all things good don’t turn it on until it’s completely over and settled.
Step 3: The Teaching Moment
Reflection is the name of the game here. This is where the gentle parenting strategy shines bright. Stay calm. Apologize if you got out of line and talk about what you could have done better. Tell them how their actions made you feel and what they can better do next time. Ask questions and get curious about external factors that could have contributed (tiredness, hunger, pain etc). Model some scenarios using stuffed animals or dolls and make it silly. Generally repair and teach your child what healthy repair after conflict looks like. Most importantly, remind them that sorry is just a word, our actions after the sorry are what matters. Do not let them re-engage with the group, play, or routine until they have repaired in some way. Then, get back to your life.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day gentle parenting practices do have a place in modern parenting. The problem is we can’t base our entire parenting philosophy on just one school of thought. Yes, you should do your best to be calm and collected around your children. Yes, you should model what dealing with a big emotion as a healthy adult should look like. But it doesn’t stop there. If your child doesn’t have some semblance of respect for authority -or just other living things in general- you are setting them up for failure in the real world. There will be times you child needs to listen to you quickly and trust your judgement without stopping to explain your reasoning. Raising your voice and taking a stern tone when it’s serious lets your kid know when its serious. It should catch them off guard and freeze them in their tracks. Kids are so much more resilient than modern parenting philosophy gives them credit for. They don’t have to fear us as people, but they should be afraid enough of consequences for their actions to make the right choice when your back is turned. That’s integrity, and its something that you need to be a decent human being. Even children under five… no… especially children under five need to understand basic cause and effect for their actions and how that applies to life outside of the home. If you don’t teach them at home, they’ll be in for an extremely rough time when they step into school or social situations. Don’t set your kids up for failure. Teach them safely at home before they step into the real world with real time consequences
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A Mother's Hearth 
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