The “Yes” Method

I’ve been in childcare for well over a decade, and I’ve heard of all sorts of parenting and teaching strategies. I remember when I first read a blog headline about never saying no to your child I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they’d never come out of the back of my skull. Here’s the thing about the Yes Method, it does work. Telling your child what they can and should do is more effective than telling them “Don’t spill that!”, “Don’t stand on the table!” or “I told you not to touch that!”. The Yes Method, for those who don’t know, means that you use positive language over negative. Instead of “Don’t touch that!” we say “Keep your hands in your pocket at the museum”. It’s essentially telling them what TO do instead of what NOT to do. It’s extremely effective. If your toddler is chucking toys all over, and you tell them “Don’t throw!” all they hear is the word “Throw”. If you tell them instead: “Toys stay in our hands. We can throw outside” they have a more clear instruction to follow. They also will start to learn that there is an appropriate outlet for certain behaviors. But just because the Yes Method works doesn’t mean there’s not room in your life for “No”.

Fitting “No” Into the “Yes Method”

I think the misunderstanding of the Yes Method comes from the belief that you should never use the word “No” with your child. If you use “No” effectively, it can be an exceptional compliment to this strategy. Let’s say little Billy is climbing on the table.. again. Start off with a strong “No Billy!” then you move him to the floor and say “We keep our feet on the ground”. The next time you see him eyeballing that table but keeping his feet where they should be, you positively reinforce the good behavior before he gets jazzed up about climbing Mount Everest again. “Wow! You’re keeping your feet on the floor? That’s awesome, I knew you’d remember”. The response will be giddy. You’ve now shown faith and pride in your child to be good. Of course I didn’t think that Billy would keep his feet on the floor. Of course in my head I said “I see you and I know what you’re doing”. But I don’t say it out loud. Why? Because I’m playing the long game. Yelling at him to keep away from the table may keep him away this time, but instilling a sense of pride will make him stop and think every time. Think about it, how much harder does the “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” hit for you? If you instill a belief inside them that you think they’re inherently good, and that you have faith in them, they will feel a strong desire to please. They will have something to prove. With reinforcement and consistency, they will want to do the right thing for the right thing’s sake. They will want to reinforce to YOU that they are as good as you think they are. They have an image to keep up after all!

Why is “No” Important?

Teaching consent early
Not only do you want your child to have a full understanding of what the word “No” means when it’s said to them, it’s important to instill that they too have the right to say no. Obviously when it comes to safety and basic care, they don’t get a say. Sorry little Billy, you still need to go to the bathroom, eat, and brush your teeth. But children need some sense of autonomy both for their development and to help you sniff out potential abuse. If a child feels like they can never say no to an adult, it is instilling the belief that all adults have their best interest at heart. Unfortunately, that is just not true. Empowering your child to say no when something feels wrong has a lasting impact on their self esteem and can even keep them out of trouble. Have a clear tenant for what your child is and isn’t allowed to say no to that makes sense. For reference, here’s the ground rules I use in my classroom:

I can say “No”:
– If I don’t want to do an activity or art project
– If someone is hurting me or scaring me
– To a food I don’t want to eat with the understanding I will not be offered anything else
– If a peer offers me help
– If a peer is telling me to break a rule
– If I do not want someone to hug or kiss me etc.

I can’t say “No”
– When an adult tells me to go potty
– When the entire group is moving
– When I am breaking a rule
– Basic health needs (hygiene, sitting down to eat etc.)
– Obvious safety hazards

Your lists may look different than mine, but writing it down and sticking to it is the key. If your kid can say no to something, they can always say no to it. If they can’t say no, they can never say no. Consistency is key.

In Conclusion

You have autonomy. Your child has autonomy. You’re allowed to say no to your child, and in certain instances your child is also allowed to say no to you. One of the most important skills you’re going to learn caring for a child is how to pick your battles. There’s going to be times you should put your foot down, but you also need to learn when to let it go and try again later for your sanity and your child’s autonomy. If you told them they need to take some space in their room, but they’d rather cry in the corner and won’t let you move them, so be it. Let them cry and be there to comfort them when they’re ready. Have some basic safety ground rules in place that you will never budge on and be flexible with the rest. They only get one childhood and you only get to have this time with them once. There’s no need to spend it fighting over silly little details.

What does your list look like? Do you have any experience trying the “Yes Method”? Tell us your story!